Take off your shoes, please.

The D.Va

Mum got to know about my condition.

Somehow.

And so, I was forced fed just now.

You know, it pains me, when somebody I love, and whom I know cares for me, is trying real hard to make me normal.. healthy all over again.

It pains me, that I can't change this mental state of mine.

It pains me, that I'm so freaking stubborn to realise that I'm doing damage to my body.

It pains me to know that whatever I'm doing brings pain to me.

''I am completely disgusted. Since when did a woman's weight become newsworthy? How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticise a size two figure?"

-Ashlee Simpson oh media dissing Jessica's seemingly fuller body.

Yeah. Fuck all of you.

Please pardon me for the frequent use of profanity in my posts recently. It can't be helped.


Somebody kill me.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I asked my gf if she could accompany me to the hospital. And she said she's busy.

I am busy too. But no matter how busy I may be, I always make time for her. Whenever she needs me, she really can count on me to be there, giving her support.

I'm just so disappointed. Like really disappointed. So, might as well just go alone. I mean I really wanted her to accompany me there. Since she's TOO busy to, I'll just go alone. Not as if I can't. Used to it anyways.

Please pardon me for the unpredictable mood swings.


The attack of da bitch.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

Ok. Now. I think. I need a PSYCHIATRIST.

I think everything's getting from bad to worst.

I don't know what to do. I think I really need help. I don't feel like talking to anyone about it, because nobody understands.

Not my mum. Not my dad. Not my gfs. Not my friends. Not my bf. NOBODY.

I'm like so fucking depressed right now. You know how fucking depressing it is to count every single fucking calorie that goes into your body? Do you know how fucking depressing it is to compress your fucking hunger, and needs for food?

I know you might say.. "you're doing this to yourself bitch..."

Well, do you think I want to?

Do you really think I want to?

Why the fuck am I doing this to myself? I'm like destructing myself.

I'm just so fucking depressed. But nobody understands. And there's nobody for me to talk to.. that understands what I'm going through right now.


Fuck it.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

ECP was great! Gathering with my aunts and cousins. It's been a while since we've met.

Ok. Everybody commented that I'm a little bit too skinny already. What's new? I still want to reach that 42kg goal. I'm still 44kg. That's so annoying.

However, I ate a lot today. And didn't work out. And I feel fat. And sinful.

I had a roller-blading session, again. This time with my little sister. And she's much a better teacher than my belurved boyfriend. She's more patient, and understanding.

ahah...

And now I can blade.

And now my butt ache.


Hong bao na lai.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.





Hawt, hawt men.

Edward Norton is so freaking hawt bald. And, Terrence Howard, those mesmerising eyes...

Ok, Mr Howard's gf isn't exactly thin.

Fine, I'm just trying to make myself feel better.


Howard+Norton.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

American History X is utter GREATNESS. What makes it better is the fact that Edward Norton is in it. And he's so freaking hawt in the movie.

*drools*

You should catch it when you have the time, together with Crash. Both movies pretty much addressed the same issues. And both are brilliant. Screenplay, and cinematography wise.

And so, I went to the GP in the morning. And the doctor prescribed me vitamin pills for anaemia.

Anaemia: The condition of having less than the normal number of red blood cells or less than the normal quantity of haemoglobin in the blood. The oxygen-carrying capacity of the blood is, therefore, decreased.

I was like.. "hello.. im anaemic?? I'm just here to talk about my weirdly scarce period. that's all, and I get to know I'm supposed to eat vitamins for anaemia?"

Apart from that, I'm also prescribed some supplement to actually regulate my period cycle. Maybe, I shouldn't even have gone to the GP.

Ouh. And she said I've got to have a more stable and balanced diet. Cuz right now, I'm not even having any diet.

bleahh...

Now I need to eat vitamin pills, and supplements.

How great is that...


I'm not anaemic, please.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

You know, sometimes, I just don't feel it from you.

Those insecurities are still haunting me.

I think I need a psychologist.

What do you think?


With all of my heart.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

Thank god shoot's over.

OVER.

I am so thankful to have really, really supportive parents like Mr Zulkifni Bin Zaman, and Mdm Saemah Bte Isnin.

Well, I did get a pretty bad cut on my thumb while working with the light stand. And, it's freaking painful.



I've totally lost my voice, and FASHIONtard told me to shut up when he called me.

WOW.

I can't help but feel really thankful right now.

Really, really, thankful.


HEsays.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

PERMISSION GRANTED!

I will be using Miss Kensington by The Great Spy Experiment in my opening sequence.

I'm so elated!

I even ate two bananas today! I feel healthy!

Yay!


Bananaramalicious.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

Read up about trans fats. And I already did a huge, grave mistake.

Ain, ain, ain.

I've made a pledge to have a healthier diet.

I shall. I shall.

On the other hand, I'm still having insomnia. It's getting worst.

Very, very bad insomnia. Plus fatigue. Plus stress. Plus pressure. Plus stubborness.

Plus BLOATEDNESS.


TransFatSin.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I was at NTUC just now, and I found THE Hokey-Pokey ice cream!

Yes, the ice cream that he said was done by him.

liar...

ahah...

This is totally heavenly. What's missing is his self-proclaimed BEST pancakes in the world.


Sweet, sweet indulgence.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I finalised on AINGEAL. But, I really need to find KADE now. Go, Ain, go!

I really have a bad diet now. And I'm very angry at myself. I really am.

It's like an addiction. It's like.. I can't kick it. I just need chocolate.

EVERYDAY.

And I feel damn fat now.

Everybody goes.. what's new...

Yeah, yeah. I need to have a healthier diet.

WAKE UP AIN! STOP EATING CHOCOLATES! AND PEANUT BUTTER!


An apple a day.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I'm so fucking stressed right now.

But, I'm not showing it.


The only d-va is me.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I ate an apple. And I feel FAT.

Thank you, Mr FASHIONtard. You taught me how to eat fruits.


I ate an apple.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I'm really missing my FASHIONtard.

Missing him a lot.

Missing him so much.

To be honest, yes, I do cry, when I really, really miss him a lot. Which usually happens late at night. Cuz, that's the time when I'll think of the nights we spent together, during his xmas vacation.

You really have no idea how much I'm missing him.

This is tough.

VERY TOUGH.

He told me to be strong. I really am trying to be. And that's why I don't tell him about the nights spent crying.

Gawd, this is tough.


He calls me LilGreenGoblin.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

Spent the whole day with him, and his bf.

Lunch with them, and then dinner with his family.

Headed to Arab st, Ambrosia was closed, and Blu Jaz was crowded. Cabbed to Clarke Quay.

And then back to his house to grab my stuff, and his bf's stuff.

It was in the lift where it dawned on us that he's leaving us today. I started to tear slightly at the thought of it.

I was still tearing on the way out to get a cab.

And I teared really badly in the cab. I held him tight. I really didn't want to let him go. I really wanted him to say he'll stay.

Fifteen days is to short.

It'll be six months till we meet again.

And the flight's at 0800. He doesn't want me to send him off, lest I'll be crying, which in turn will make him cry, too.

Six months.
No hugs.
No kisses.
No snoring.
No leg hair pulling.
No wrestling.
No yelping.

I'm gonna miss him a lot.


You lil thing, he says.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

I called Leena, and just started weeping.

It's just one more day, and he's gone, again.


Say you'll stay.

Lotza Lurrrve,
.AinZulkifni.

Hear The Journalists Scream.

The Scandal Hunters.

The Past Which Moulds The Present.

I Am The Only D.va Around.